Have you ever wondered why two people can experience the same event but have completely different interpretations of what happened? Perhaps one feels loneliness, where the other feels anger? Our perceptions of reality are not as objective as we might believe. In fact, our subconscious minds play a significant role in shaping how we perceive and interpret the world around us. Think of it as wearing a pair of tinted glasses that colour our experiences. 

Have you every thought to yourself, why does he/she do that? Why do I do that or think that? Why would my husband/wife think that? Why don’t they understand me? How did that go so wrong? 

Whether you want to use the term psychologist, psychotherapist or coach, whichever makes you feel more comfortable in helping to tackle the relationship with yourself and others I am an online relationship therapist which can help you understand behaviours which may be effecting your marriage, relationship or dating habits. 

The Power of the Subconscious Mind 

Before we dive into the tinted glasses analogy, our subconscious mind operates beneath the surface of our conscious awareness, working tirelessly to process information and make sense of our experiences. It influences our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours, often without our conscious knowledge. 

One of the primary factors that contribute to our tinted perceptions is our belief system which was hard-wired and created up until the age of 8. What once served us and helped protect us as young children, is definitely out-of-date for our adult lives. But, this immature and normally unhealthy coping mechanism still believes it will keep us safe and protect us. For example, when we were a young child, we may have had a temper-tantrum to get our needs met, we would probably receive lots of attention from our caregiver. BUT as one of my clients experienced, in adulthood, if we were to have a temper-tantrum in one of our relationships, during a work meeting or through a divorce hearing, it would be inappropriate and a unhealthy coping mechanism in an attempt to meet our emotional needs. 

Unfortunately, our subconscious does not fully relate to the adult environment we are now in and still uses the systems which were hard-wired into us from such as young age as they gave us positive relief once. 

The Influence of Past Experiences 

Throughout our lives, we accumulate beliefs based on our experiences, upbringing, culture, and social environment. These beliefs act as filters through which we interpret the world. Imagine wearing glasses with specific lenses that colour everything you see. Similarly, our beliefs tint our perceptions, making us more likely to notice and interpret information that aligns with our existing beliefs. 

Our past experiences shape the way we perceive reality. Suppose we had a negative experience in the past, such as a traumatic event or a failure. In that case, our subconscious mind often creates a defence mechanism to protect us from similar situations. These defence mechanisms, rooted in our subconscious, can distort our perceptions and make us more cautious, fearful, or sceptical. We have approximately 70,000 thoughts a day, and around 50,000 of those are repeated. If those 50,000 repeated thoughts and feelings are rooted from our subconscious minds formed in childhood, we need to update them as adults. 

This is where traditional western methods of therapy do not always work as they aim to treat the conscious mind not the subconscious. For example, our conscious mind cannot outwill our subconscious minds. For example, we have just been informed that if we continue with our current diet we will develop diabetes. The conscious minds says, right, its time to be healthy and live a more balanced lifestyle. This may last a little while, but eventually, the subconscious mind which is in charge 95% of the time on autopilot, habitual and running the show, slips us back into old habits. This is the same for repeated relationship patterns, partners, drinking, not sticking to the gym, food choices etc. We get up, get ready, brush our teeth in the same way without thinking, we drive on autopilot everyday without even remembering how we got there. Its only when we have a hardcopy map and we are trying to find a particular destination that our conscious mind takes over, but the driving is still our subconscious. 

Our conscious minds only operate for approximately 3-5% in our daily lives and this is why CBT and tools to reprogram and update our subconscious mind are essential for changing the way we think. 

Emotions, Perceptions & biases 

Our emotional state can heavily influence how we perceive reality. When we are in a positive mood, we tend to see things in a more positive light, and vice versa. Our emotions act as a pair of emotional tinted glasses, colouring our perceptions accordingly. For example, if we are feeling anxious, we may interpret neutral situations as more threatening than they actually are. Emotionally charged experiences tend to be more vivid and memorable, further shaping our perceptions. 

Cognitive biases are another factor that contributes to our tinted perceptions. These biases are shortcuts our mind takes to process information quickly, but they can lead to distorted perceptions of reality. Confirmation bias, for example, causes us to seek information that confirms our existing beliefs while disregarding or downplaying contradictory evidence. Availability bias makes us overestimate the likelihood of events that come to mind easily. These biases act like filters on our glasses, distorting our view of the world. 

The subconscious mind can process roughly 1 billion bits of data every second, but its capacity is up to 1 million times more than that for a short period of time! However, the conscious mind can only process 40-60 bits per second of information. It can hack the hard-wired system with its analysis, learning and application temporarily. Unfortunately the subconscious vastly outweighs the processing power of our conscious mind and this is why it is essential to do the work and self-invest on updating our internal wiring for more mature and healthy coping strategies in our adult lives. If we learn and continue to practice tools to re-wire our minds, we can eventually re-wire the hard-wiring to live with more healthy coping strategies in meeting our needs. 

Finally: Social Conditioning and Peer Influence 

Society and our interactions with others play a significant role in shaping our perceptions. From a young age, we learn social norms, values, and expectations that influence how we see the world. Peer pressure and conformity also impact our perceptions, as we tend to align our views with those around us to feel accepted and avoid conflict. These social influences act like a communal pair of glasses, tinting our perceptions to fit within the accepted norms of our social group. 

Our subconscious mind is like a master storyteller, weaving together our perceptions of reality. By understanding the powerful influence of our beliefs, we can become more aware of the tinted glasses we wear. While we may never see the world with absolute objectivity, acknowledging the role of our subconscious mind allows us to approach our perceptions with greater curiosity, open-mindedness, and empathy. 

If you would like to start unpacking your subconscious mind so you can live life more consciously and less on auto-pilot lets, get stuck into CBT together to help you heal from past wiring. 

Best wishes, 

Charlie. 

Psychologist, Therapist, Coach based in Dubai providing global online therapy to those in need. 

We don’t need to hurt. 

#relationship expert