I wanted to start by saying if you are currently in or have been in this situation, I completely understand the heart wrenching pain and constant overwhelming emotions that continue to take over you. I have been there, curled up with uncontrollable crying and wanting to hide from the world and it all to just go away. The feelings of hurt, fear, loneliness, why me? what am I going to do now? how will I survive without them? And many more that cannot be put into words. I can relate, and where you are now, completely sucks, and it feels like the cloud will never disappear.

I promise you, that in time, the pain you are feeling will ease, it may not feel like it now, but if you decide to use this as a way to grow, be better than ever before and use the pain to have a positive outcome, I assure you, that you will actually become the best version of yourself and grow into a strong and empowered individual. It is your choice how you use this pain for your future.

I have, unfortunately like you, been in the situation where I have either been the one to make the choice to walk away and also been in the position where somebody has walked away from me. After many years, I honestly don’t know which situation is better, walking away from somebody you have loved, knowing your decision will cause huge pain to them, or you being forced to walk away from

somebody you are still in love with because they no longer see a future with you. Both situations have feelings of anguish, and I feel for you if you are here.

Whether you want to use the term psychologist, psychotherapist or coach, whichever makes you feel more comfortable in helping to tackle the relationship with yourself and others I am an online relationship therapist which can help you understand behaviours which may be effecting your marriage, relationship or dating habits.

I am writing this to give you the hope that what I have learnt along the way can now be your survival guide to help ease your pain from the hurt I also once had. I wish I had the knowledge I have today back then to help relieve my constant feelings of guilt, regret, victimisation, failure and loss. For you, it starts today with reading this blog and learning the tools to help you turn this excruciatingly painful situation into something positive; becoming the best you and living your best life.

So, after my divorce, separation, (and other) break ups, I think the first question I had was: what am I going to do now? How am I going to survive on my own? After years in a relationship, we naturally become dependent on our partner for so many different aspects, and when this person suddenly is no longer part of our lives, our traumatic nervous system is activated, causing freeze mode (this could show up as staying in bed, not dressing etc), flight mode (running, you just keep running, never stop or slow down, task after task, you become so busy you do not have time to think or feel) or fight mode (this may look like anger, aggression, swearing, minimal patience etc). We can go into all stages and back around. The system is not linear, we can move through one, and then be right back at it!

Along with this, we are also trying to overcome the severed ‘attachment’ we have with another person (this is similar to the bond between babies and parents, when the baby is ripped away from its parent, it may show up as tantrums or screaming etc). Both activation systems can cause significant pain or can be referred to as trauma. These significant changes in one’s life are traumatic; remember, it is ok to not be ok in these times.

Emotions

– You are most likely feeling exceptionally overwhelmed and continually going through a range of different emotions; one minute, you seem fine; the next, a complete mess. Maybe moving from anger, to sadness, to happiness or even freedom and then back around to tears again. Our sessions will help to stabilise your emotions and get you back in control of your life. You will feel empowered and build your own survival pack to help you become the best version of you.

Health

– At the moment you may be frequently crying, eating from that tub of ice cream, or drinking wine to self-comfort or you might have lost your appetite and be eating the bare minimum as the emotions have taken complete control. This is completely ok in the short term (I have been there, with no energy or motivation to cook so ordering the dreaded McDonalds – then feeling even more guilty for the calories consumed. A vicious cycle of feeling worse about ourselves), but in the long term, do you really want to be the one who ‘let themselves go’? Either significant weight loss or weight gain does not look healthy (or attractive), it does not look like you have yourself together. In short, this is unattractive and definitely not the best version of yourself. You need to turn this pain into improving the new better you. Turn this pain into becoming the best version of yourself, put the tub of ice cream down, get off the sofa and go for a walk. If you can do better, go to the gym. Exercise, no matter how small, will make you feel better, a simple slow stroll can help free you. Put this hurt into becoming the best version of yourself physically. Exercise (in moderation – do not channel everything into becoming a machine! This will only box your emotions; you also need to deal with these and

process them which I can help with) will help you regulate yourself and in our sessions, we will talk about how you can heal and move forward to improve your mental wellbeing by exploring your thoughts together.

Relationships

– I hope you are not that person who threw everything into their romantic relationship, not having the energy or time to maintain strong friendships or close family relationships. Use this pain to build relationships with your friends and family, having close ones around us in times where we feel emotionally unstable brings soothing and comfort. It helps to remove the feeling of loneliness. No matter how much your inner gremlin is telling you right now you are alone, or nobody loves you, stop! This is simply untrue, everybody has at least somebody, pick up the phone and reach out. Use this time to build better bonds with your friends and family, a secure network of relationships is better for our mental wellbeing. Emotional venting is healthy, but at this time, please try not to emotionally dump to frequently on friends and family as this can be heavy for them and possibly cause them to pull back slightly if meet-ups become too emotionally draining for them. This will then unfortunately feed your inner gremlin; I am alone, nobody loves me… which is not helpful for your mental wellbeing. This is where our sessions can help, as it is a place for you to explore your deepest emotions in a non-judgemental manner on your own timeframe – friends and family can often cap the timeframe we need, they deem ‘a time’ where you should be over the divorce, separation, break up etc, everybody is different. Some people take months, even years or never truly heal after divorces, separations or break ups if they muddle through without help or support in exploring thoughts and emotions. As humans, we become very good at boxing situations or feelings rather than trying to deal with them head on. Such thoughts bring pain, so we naturally do everything in our power to avoid discomfort and pain. But this does not enable us the space to truly heal and often will show up much later down the path.

Wealth

– You are probably worrying to some degree about finances or future financial dreams which you feel have also been lost. It’s not just losing your partner that hurts, it’s the dreams and plans for the future that also get taken. Even if you are financially able to stand on your own independently, this can be a huge stress activator when you feel like a rug has been pulled from under you. Our sessions will help you focus on building your own dreams and plans as an independent, focusing on career building, development and financial goals, which in turn will provide you with contentment, security and self-reliance.

During the ending of a relationship, people are surprised when I inform them that grief, similar to when a loved one passes, is experienced. If grief is not processed; if we block it off, pretend it is not happening, or cannot healthily regulate our emotions to a place of acceptance; anxiety and depressive thoughts can take root for the long term. Processing and healing grief is different for all of us, and not everyone goes through all of the stages. There are five distinct phases, and they may not occur in a linear, set, or predictable order. We can move through the stages to find ourselves back at a previous stage or may find ourselves continuously circling through them. This process can be emotionally exhausting, and this can be very heavy for us and have a serious impact on our mental well-being. The five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Does this sound familiar?

It is time to take the pain from this divorce, separation or break up; empower yourself and become the best version of you. I will be honest with you; there is no quick fix, this will take several months and constant self-work. Healing is not linear; you will make progress, then you will fall, but I will be

there to help you get back up again and continue to support you. I promise that you will never look back with regret. It’s time to use this heartache for the better; time spent on yourself is the most empowering transformation you can do.

My Final Words

Don’t believe your inner gremlin; challenge it continuously! You are not alone, you are loved, and you will be ok. You will be better than ok; you will end up living your best life. Right now, this is hard, I know, but you are more powerful and stronger than you think. You’ve got this! Get in touch. Book your free 20 minute discovery call

Start getting back on your feet, and begin the journey to becoming the best most attractive version of yourself. We will explore your emotions, moving from dependent to independent, work, wealth, physical and mental health, and relationships; friends, family and future romantic partners.

Best wishes,

Charlie.

Psychologist, Therapist, Coach based in Dubai providing global online therapy to those in need.

We don’t need to hurt.

#relationship expert