You didn’t see it at first

The connection felt intense.
The charm was magnetic.
They knew exactly what to say to make you feel seen… needed… wanted.

But over time, things changed. Not all at once, slowly, subtly.
What once felt like closeness became control.
What once felt like care became criticism.
And now, you’re left wondering:

“Was any of it real?”
“How did I lose myself so completely?”
“Why is it so hard to leave… or to stay gone?”

If you’re asking these questions, you’re not alone.
And no, you’re not broken, overreacting, or “too sensitive.”

You may have been in a relationship with someone who displays narcissistic traits, and the impact of that isn’t just psychological. It’s emotional, physical, and often deeply isolating.

What is narcissistic abuse, really?

Let’s clear something up from the start…
This isn’t about diagnosing your ex or labelling someone as a “narcissist” (unless done clinically by a professional). What we’re really talking about is narcissistic traits, patterns of behaviour that revolve around:

A lack of empathy

A need for admiration

Controlling others through manipulation, shame, or fear

A fragile self-esteem that gets masked by arrogance or blame-shifting

An inability to take responsibility when things go wrong

It’s not always overt. In fact, it’s often covert.
No shouting. No dramatic arguments. Just slow erosion of your confidence, your voice, your sense of what’s true.

The narcissistic relationship Cycle…

Many people describe these relationships as emotionally chaotic, and that’s no accident.

Narcissistic dynamics tend to follow a predictable cycle:

Idealisation

You’re admired. Praised. Put on a pedestal.
It’s fast, intense, and feels like a soulmate connection.
You’re told you’re “the only one who gets them.”

It feels intoxicating, because it’s designed to.

Devaluation

Once they feel they’ve “secured” you emotionally, the mask begins to slip.
You’re criticised for the very traits they once adored.
They withdraw affection, compare you to others, or accuse you of things that don’t make sense.

You start chasing the version of them that first showed up.
But that person was never real.

Control & Confusion

This is where triangulation, gaslighting, and emotional withdrawal kick in.
They twist your words.
Tell others things that paint you as unstable.
React calmly while pushing you to the edge.

You begin to doubt yourself constantly…
“Am I the one causing this?”

Discard or Hoovering

Some leave without warning, when you’re no longer useful to their ego.
Others “hoover”, reappear with affection or apologies, just long enough to keep the cycle going.

This isn’t about love. It’s about control and image management.

So, why is it so hard to leave?

You might know the relationship isn’t healthy.
You might have left and gone back, more than once.
You might feel ashamed for still caring. Still hoping. Still checking their messages.

Again… this is not weakness. It’s trauma.

Here’s what’s happening beneath the surface…

Trauma bonds form when love and abuse are interwoven. Your nervous system becomes addicted to the cycle of highs and lows.

Gaslighting makes you distrust your own reality, which makes it harder to feel confident in any decision, especially leaving.

Shame creeps in. You blame yourself. You wonder if you’re the difficult one.

Isolation means you’ve got no one left to reflect your truth back to you.

You’ve been psychologically managed.
But the good news is: you can untangle from it.

Here are some signs that you may have been in a narcissistic dynamic…

You walked on eggshells, even during “good” moments

You felt like your emotions were too much, always

You were blamed for their behaviour (even their cheating, outbursts, or withdrawal)

Your other relationships fell away, and you couldn’t explain why

You apologised more than you spoke

You began to feel like you were the problem

You may have been manipulated through…

Triangulation, where they subtly turned others against you to maintain control

Gaslighting, where your version of reality was constantly questioned or denied

Projection, where their own flaws were blamed on you

Silent treatment, as punishment for setting boundaries or expressing needs

Love-bombing, used to regain power when you started pulling away

You can’t fix someone who doesn’t see the problem

Let’s be honest, you probably tried everything.
More understanding. More patience. More silence. More confrontation.
You twisted yourself into someone else just to keep the peace.

But here’s the hardest truth of all…
You can’t heal in the same environment that’s breaking you.
And you can’t love someone out of traits they refuse to acknowledge.

It’s not your job to get them to therapy.
It’s your job to get you the support you’ve been denied for too long.

Here is what recovery really looks like

Healing after narcissistic abuse isn’t linear.
It’s not just “getting over them”, it’s getting back to you.

It’s…

Untangling from shame

Rebuilding your sense of identity

Learning to trust your gut again

Grieving the fantasy of what you hoped it could be

Understanding why you stayed — without judging yourself

And creating safety in your own nervous system

Therapy isn’t just about talking.
It’s about seeing clearly again.
Feeling your emotions without shame.
And learning how to build relationships that feel safe, not anxious, confusing, or performative.

You deserve calm, you deserve to know the difference between ‘up’ and ‘down’ again

If you’re reading this and it feels heavy, that’s okay.
You’ve likely been carrying this alone for longer than anyone knows.

And while social media is full of bold statements about narcissists and red flags, the truth is… this is deeply personal work. Quiet work. Brave work.

And it starts by choosing yourself, even if you’ve forgotten what that means.

You don’t have to keep pretending it wasn’t that bad.
You don’t have to explain the confusion to people who’ve never lived it.
And you don’t have to wait for another betrayal to validate your gut.

Ready to chat?

If this blog resonated, you may be ready to start making sense of your experience, in a space that feels calm, supportive, and free of judgement.

As a psychologist and relationship therapist, I work with clients who are…

Navigating the pain of leaving someone with narcissistic traits

Untangling their identity after emotional abuse

Learning to feel safe in their own mind, body, and relationships again

You’re not dramatic. You’re not broken. And you’re not alone.

Let’s talk about what’s been happening, and how I can support you in your recovery.

Together, let’s get you back to you.

Book a free 20-minute discovery call.

Charlotte Spurway

Psychologist | Relationship Therapist | Coach

*Providing global online therapy from Dubai

Let’s get out of the maze together.

If you would like to find out more about working with me, book you free 20 minute discovery call here

Whether you want to use the term psychologist, psychotherapist or coach, whichever makes you feel more comfortable in helping to tackle the relationship with yourself and others I am an online relationship therapist which can help you understand behaviours which may be effecting your marriage, relationship or dating habits. 

Best wishes, 

Charlie. 

Psychologist, Therapist, Coach based in Dubai providing global online therapy to those in need. 

We don’t need to hurt. 

#relationship expert