Divorce, separation, or breakup?

Mixed signals after a breakup can feel like the emotional equivalent of whiplash. One moment your ex seems open and warm, the next they go silent or seem like a stranger. It leaves you questioning everything, the relationship, yourself, and whether you’re imagining it all.

The truth is, these mixed signals rarely come from nowhere. Often, they’re driven by something deeper than just indecision or “playing games.” Our attachment style, the way we connect, protect, and respond to closeness or distance, plays a huge role in what happens after a relationship ends. And it’s why an ex can seem one way in the first few days or weeks, then completely different as time goes on.

If you’re stuck in the confusion of “what does this mean?” and “do they want me back or not?” understanding attachment styles can help you make sense of their behaviour, and, just as importantly, help you focus on yourself.

The Emotional Whirlwind After a Breakup

Breakups rarely follow a neat, logical path. They stir up fear, grief, regret, relief, and longing, often all in the same week. No wonder signals get mixed.

Your ex may be wrestling with their own emotions while you’re trying to interpret every message or silence as a sign of something bigger. The hard truth? Sometimes their behaviour isn’t about you at all. It’s about the way they cope with loss, closeness, and vulnerability.

This is where attachment styles come in. Because the way someone navigates closeness when they’re in a relationship is often the same way they handle distance when it ends.

The First Few Weeks: Why They React the Way They Do

In the first few days or weeks after a breakup, different attachment styles tend to respond in predictable ways, even if it doesn’t feel predictable to you.

Anxious-preoccupied partners often struggle the most. They may reach out quickly, send emotional messages, or swing between hope and panic. Their biggest fear is loss and abandonment, so the breakup can feel unbearable at first.

Dismissive-avoidant partners usually look like they’re coping “too well.” They often pull back, focus on independence, and appear distant, but this doesn’t always mean they don’t care. It often means they feel safer handling emotions privately or not at all.

Fearful-avoidant partners tend to be the most confusing. They might text late at night, then disappear for days. They want closeness but fear getting hurt, so they send signals that leave you wondering what on earth is happening.

And secure partners? They usually handle breakups with clearer communication. They respect boundaries, talk openly about what they need, and cause less emotional chaos, though they still feel the pain of the loss.

Weeks to Months Later: When Everything Changes

Here’s where it gets complicated. Because those initial reactions rarely stay the same over time.

Anxious partners might start with constant contact but, if reconciliation doesn’t happen, can feel regret, anger, or even shame for “reaching out too much.”

Dismissive-avoidant partners often resurface after weeks or months of silence. Once the initial intensity has faded, they may feel nostalgic or lonely and reach out in subtle ways, a casual message, a photo they “just found,” or a birthday text that stirs everything up again.

Fearful-avoidant partners usually keep the push-pull cycle going the longest. They come close, then retreat when emotions feel overwhelming, then come close again when they miss you. It’s exhausting to be on the receiving end of this dynamic, and it often leaves you questioning your own sanity.

Secure partners remain steady. Even if they reach out, it’s usually with kindness and respect, not confusion or drama.

Why This Understanding Matters

When you understand the lens of attachment, you stop personalizing every text, silence, or mixed signal. Their behaviour is often about how they regulate closeness and distance, not a verdict on your worth, or even on the relationship itself.

And here’s the most important part: once you see the pattern, you can step out of the emotional chaos. You can stop waiting for crumbs of attention or dissecting every message. Instead, you can choose boundaries that protect your well-being and focus on what you need next.

What To Do Instead of Overanalysing

Rather than obsessing over what every signal means, use this time for yourself. Give yourself the space to grieve, to process, to rebuild. The “no contact” rule isn’t about punishing your ex, it’s about creating breathing room so you can reconnect with yourself, not just with them.

Use the weeks after a breakup to reflect on your own patterns too. We are always 50% of any relationship, and it’s easy to get stuck blaming the other person without looking at what we bring to the table. This is where real growth happens, not in chasing answers from them, but in understanding ourselves more deeply.

A Gentle Next Step

If you’re feeling caught in the confusion of mixed signals, or unsure how to find your footing after a breakup, I’ve created a free guide with my top 10 tips to survive and thrive after divorce or separation. It will help you stop spiralling, start making sense of your emotions, and feel more in control of what comes next.

Get your free SOS guide here

Because you deserve clarity, calm, confidence and a future that isn’t defined by the chaos of mixed signals.

Whether you want to use the term psychologist, psychotherapist or coach, whichever makes you feel more comfortable in helping to tackle the relationship with yourself and others I am an online relationship therapist which can help you understand behaviours which may be effecting your marriage, relationship or dating habits. 

Best wishes, 

Charlie. 

Psychologist, Therapist, Coach based in Dubai providing global online therapy to those in need. 

We don’t need to hurt. 

#relationship expert